26 April 2011
14 April 2011
09 April 2011
04 April 2011
How to be Alone
A video by fiilmaker, Andrea Dorfman, and poet/singer/songwriter, Tanya Davis
visit Positivism
HOW TO BE ALONE by Tanya Davis
If you are at first lonely, be patient. If you've not been alone much, or if when you were, you weren't okay with it, then just wait. You'll find it's fine to be alone once you're embracing it.
We could start with the acceptable places, the bathroom, the coffee shop, the library. Where you can stall and read the paper, where you can get your caffeine fix and sit and stay there. Where you can browse the stacks and smell the books. You're not supposed to talk much anyway so it's safe there.
There's also the gym. If you're shy you could hang out with yourself in mirrors, you could put headphones in (guitar stroke).
And there's public transportation, because we all gotta go places.
And there's prayer and meditation. No one will think less if you're hanging with your breath seeking peace and salvation.
Start simple. Things you may have previously (electric guitar plucking) based on your avoid being alone principals.
The lunch counter. Where you will be surrounded by chow-downers. Employees who only have an hour and their spouses work across town and so they -- like you -- will be alone.
Resist the urge to hang out with your cell phone.
When you are comfortable with eat lunch and run, take yourself out for dinner. A restaurant with linen and silverware. You're no less intriguing a person when you're eating solo dessert to cleaning the whipped cream from the dish with your finger. In fact some people at full tables will wish they were where you were.
Go to the movies. Where it is dark and soothing. Alone in your seat amidst a fleeting community.
And then, take yourself out dancing to a club where no one knows you. Stand on the outside of the floor till the lights convince you more and more and the music shows you. Dance like no one's watching...because, they're probably not. And, if they are, assume it is with best of human intentions. The way bodies move genuinely to beats is, after all, gorgeous and affecting. Dance until you're sweating, and beads of perspiration remind you of life's best things, down your back like a brook of blessings.
Go to the woods alone, and the trees and squirrels will watch for you.
Go to an unfamiliar city, roam the streets, there're always statues to talk to and benches made for sitting give strangers a shared existence if only for a minute and these moments can be so uplifting and the conversations you get in by sitting alone on benches might've never happened had you not been there by yourself
Society is afraid of alonedom, like lonely hearts are wasting away in basements, like people must have problems if, after a while, nobody is dating them. but lonely is a freedom that breaths easy and weightless and lonely is healing if you make it.
You could stand, swathed by groups and mobs or hold hands with your partner, look both further and farther for the endless quest for company. But no one's in your head and by the time you translate your thoughts, some essence of them may be lost or perhaps it is just kept.
Perhaps in the interest of loving oneself, perhaps all those sappy slogans from preschool over to high school's groaning were tokens for holding the lonely at bay. Cuz if you're happy in your head than solitude is blessed and alone is okay.
It's okay if no one believes like you. All experience is unique, no one has the same synapses, can't think like you, for this be releived, keeps things interesting lifes magic things in reach.
And it doesn't mean you're not connected, that communitie's not present, just take the perspective you get from being one person in one head and feel the effects of it. take silence and respect it. if you have an art that needs a practice, stop neglecting it. if your family doesn't get you, or religious sect is not meant for you, don't obsess about it.
you could be in an instant surrounded if you needed it
If your heart is bleeding make the best of it
There is heat in freezing, be a testament.
If you are at first lonely, be patient. If you've not been alone much, or if when you were, you weren't okay with it, then just wait. You'll find it's fine to be alone once you're embracing it.
We could start with the acceptable places, the bathroom, the coffee shop, the library. Where you can stall and read the paper, where you can get your caffeine fix and sit and stay there. Where you can browse the stacks and smell the books. You're not supposed to talk much anyway so it's safe there.
There's also the gym. If you're shy you could hang out with yourself in mirrors, you could put headphones in (guitar stroke).
And there's public transportation, because we all gotta go places.
And there's prayer and meditation. No one will think less if you're hanging with your breath seeking peace and salvation.
Start simple. Things you may have previously (electric guitar plucking) based on your avoid being alone principals.
The lunch counter. Where you will be surrounded by chow-downers. Employees who only have an hour and their spouses work across town and so they -- like you -- will be alone.
Resist the urge to hang out with your cell phone.
When you are comfortable with eat lunch and run, take yourself out for dinner. A restaurant with linen and silverware. You're no less intriguing a person when you're eating solo dessert to cleaning the whipped cream from the dish with your finger. In fact some people at full tables will wish they were where you were.
Go to the movies. Where it is dark and soothing. Alone in your seat amidst a fleeting community.
And then, take yourself out dancing to a club where no one knows you. Stand on the outside of the floor till the lights convince you more and more and the music shows you. Dance like no one's watching...because, they're probably not. And, if they are, assume it is with best of human intentions. The way bodies move genuinely to beats is, after all, gorgeous and affecting. Dance until you're sweating, and beads of perspiration remind you of life's best things, down your back like a brook of blessings.
Go to the woods alone, and the trees and squirrels will watch for you.
Go to an unfamiliar city, roam the streets, there're always statues to talk to and benches made for sitting give strangers a shared existence if only for a minute and these moments can be so uplifting and the conversations you get in by sitting alone on benches might've never happened had you not been there by yourself
Society is afraid of alonedom, like lonely hearts are wasting away in basements, like people must have problems if, after a while, nobody is dating them. but lonely is a freedom that breaths easy and weightless and lonely is healing if you make it.
You could stand, swathed by groups and mobs or hold hands with your partner, look both further and farther for the endless quest for company. But no one's in your head and by the time you translate your thoughts, some essence of them may be lost or perhaps it is just kept.
Perhaps in the interest of loving oneself, perhaps all those sappy slogans from preschool over to high school's groaning were tokens for holding the lonely at bay. Cuz if you're happy in your head than solitude is blessed and alone is okay.
It's okay if no one believes like you. All experience is unique, no one has the same synapses, can't think like you, for this be releived, keeps things interesting lifes magic things in reach.
And it doesn't mean you're not connected, that communitie's not present, just take the perspective you get from being one person in one head and feel the effects of it. take silence and respect it. if you have an art that needs a practice, stop neglecting it. if your family doesn't get you, or religious sect is not meant for you, don't obsess about it.
you could be in an instant surrounded if you needed it
If your heart is bleeding make the best of it
There is heat in freezing, be a testament.
Zach Wahls Inspirational Pitch
How inspiring is it to watch Zach tell his truth?
The world is changing thanks to people like Zach.
Zach is only 19 years old.
01 April 2011
Ten Years HIV Positive
Detectable vs. Undetectable
Dear Readers,
On February 27th 2011, I reached and celebrated my 10th year with HIV.
It’s been a while since I last updated my HIV/AIDS results page, which I guess some will take as a sign that all is well.
And you would be correct.
I’m happy and healthy today and full of positivity, humor, love and light.
I’ve never felt stronger nor have my feelings for the future ever been this inspiring. My family is wonderful and my relationship continues to bring the challenges and gifts that most do.
There are many reasons for my happiness, the most important one being that I restarted my ARV therapy and the results have been amazing. I was waiting for my drugs to take hold before I wrote about my experience. My virus was undetectable and had been for five years before I stopped taking my medication. A drug holiday made sense to me back then.
This is the second time I'm starting my therapy. I was nervous about side effects and my sleeping patterns being affected just as they were when I was on the ARVs. But this time, I had no problems with my body adjusting to the medication and the side effects were very light on my system.
I take my drugs every other day. I do not nor have I ever taken my HIV drugs every single day as we are told to do.
However, I DO NOT encourage you to do this without seeking your doctor's advise and consent. Everyone's circumstances are different and at the end of the day your doctors know best. But do mention it to him/her and ask if it's feasible in your situation, just like I did. When I mentioned it to my own doctor, he told me to do whatever I felt comfortable with as long as my numbers remained stable and my undetectable status stays the same. Taking my pills every other day DID NOT have an adverse effect on me. I've been taking my pills every other day for many months now and my HIV remains UNDETECTABLE.
I’ve always worried about the constant onslaught of HIV drugs on my system. Taking my drugs every other day was MY decision and I’m thrilled I made it. I withheld 1,477 pills from going into my body and yet I still managed to have my HIV undetectable status. My organs are thanking me I’m sure. I will need them all in tip top shape for the future!
When I started the combination therapy again, I remember obsessing, wondering, and asking myself, “Had I fucked up by stopping them when I moved from Australia to Canada?" HIV positive people hear stories all the time about how you’re NOT supposed to stop taking your pills. Back then, I really had to take control over my life and part of that was starting fresh with no worries about my drugs and keeping them cool while I travelled with my boyfriend.
My drug holiday meant taking away the daily reminder that you are indeed different than everyone else around you. You have HIV and the handful of pills remind you of that everyday you put them to your mouth.
It can get very distressing and depressing.
I nearly forgot that I have HIV while I was off my medication.
It was wonderful.
It was truly wonderful.
When I made the decision to stop them I said, “Fuck it”. I thought, at the time when my life was so hectic, that finding a fridge just to keep my medication chilled while I traveled throughout Asia would be a nightmare. I was tired, depressed and about to travel but my body was rock solid and I felt healthy despite my hectic life.
So I stopped taking my HIV drugs because I WANTED to stop.
I felt a need. A strange feeling, almost like I wanted control again over my life.
And the sense and feeling of being ‘undetectable’ certainly offers you that springboard you require to leap forward into a pill free existence, something that I thought at the time was manna from heaven.
I also WANTED to give my 150 pound body a break from the drugs I was on while I was still in my thirties. Sleeping was difficult with the medication the first time and I just needed to sleep so badly. I wanted to give myself a break from having to think about the pills.
Pills = HIV I thought.
And they still do. However, I feel different now about the medication than I did before I took a break from it.
Fuck HIV and the medication I remember thinking back then. But now, I feel great about them both being together once again.
One cancels out the other?
We all hope and pray.
And you would be correct.
I’m happy and healthy today and full of positivity, humor, love and light.
I’ve never felt stronger nor have my feelings for the future ever been this inspiring. My family is wonderful and my relationship continues to bring the challenges and gifts that most do.
There are many reasons for my happiness, the most important one being that I restarted my ARV therapy and the results have been amazing. I was waiting for my drugs to take hold before I wrote about my experience. My virus was undetectable and had been for five years before I stopped taking my medication. A drug holiday made sense to me back then.
This is the second time I'm starting my therapy. I was nervous about side effects and my sleeping patterns being affected just as they were when I was on the ARVs. But this time, I had no problems with my body adjusting to the medication and the side effects were very light on my system.
I take my drugs every other day. I do not nor have I ever taken my HIV drugs every single day as we are told to do.
However, I DO NOT encourage you to do this without seeking your doctor's advise and consent. Everyone's circumstances are different and at the end of the day your doctors know best. But do mention it to him/her and ask if it's feasible in your situation, just like I did. When I mentioned it to my own doctor, he told me to do whatever I felt comfortable with as long as my numbers remained stable and my undetectable status stays the same. Taking my pills every other day DID NOT have an adverse effect on me. I've been taking my pills every other day for many months now and my HIV remains UNDETECTABLE.
I’ve always worried about the constant onslaught of HIV drugs on my system. Taking my drugs every other day was MY decision and I’m thrilled I made it. I withheld 1,477 pills from going into my body and yet I still managed to have my HIV undetectable status. My organs are thanking me I’m sure. I will need them all in tip top shape for the future!
When I started the combination therapy again, I remember obsessing, wondering, and asking myself, “Had I fucked up by stopping them when I moved from Australia to Canada?" HIV positive people hear stories all the time about how you’re NOT supposed to stop taking your pills. Back then, I really had to take control over my life and part of that was starting fresh with no worries about my drugs and keeping them cool while I travelled with my boyfriend.
My drug holiday meant taking away the daily reminder that you are indeed different than everyone else around you. You have HIV and the handful of pills remind you of that everyday you put them to your mouth.
It can get very distressing and depressing.
I nearly forgot that I have HIV while I was off my medication.
It was wonderful.
It was truly wonderful.
When I made the decision to stop them I said, “Fuck it”. I thought, at the time when my life was so hectic, that finding a fridge just to keep my medication chilled while I traveled throughout Asia would be a nightmare. I was tired, depressed and about to travel but my body was rock solid and I felt healthy despite my hectic life.
So I stopped taking my HIV drugs because I WANTED to stop.
I felt a need. A strange feeling, almost like I wanted control again over my life.
And the sense and feeling of being ‘undetectable’ certainly offers you that springboard you require to leap forward into a pill free existence, something that I thought at the time was manna from heaven.
I also WANTED to give my 150 pound body a break from the drugs I was on while I was still in my thirties. Sleeping was difficult with the medication the first time and I just needed to sleep so badly. I wanted to give myself a break from having to think about the pills.
Pills = HIV I thought.
And they still do. However, I feel different now about the medication than I did before I took a break from it.
Fuck HIV and the medication I remember thinking back then. But now, I feel great about them both being together once again.
One cancels out the other?
We all hope and pray.
I just want to be healthy and happy.
My pills are making me happy this time. Maybe it’s because I’m older and I don’t feel so brave. I need the security of being undetectable more now than ever. When you get married, things change dramatically inside of you. Suddenly you are not the only person who needs to be considered when it comes to your health, happiness, and future in general.
I’m still comfortable about having made those decisions to stop my medications before I came home to Canada. However, as a result of this decision, within a year after stopping my HIV drugs, my HIV virus was no longer undetectable as it had been five years. It was once again bombarding my system with great effect. And my CD4 count and viral load numbers reflected that. The first was very low and the second was very high. It really sucked. Fucking virus.
My pills are making me happy this time. Maybe it’s because I’m older and I don’t feel so brave. I need the security of being undetectable more now than ever. When you get married, things change dramatically inside of you. Suddenly you are not the only person who needs to be considered when it comes to your health, happiness, and future in general.
I’m still comfortable about having made those decisions to stop my medications before I came home to Canada. However, as a result of this decision, within a year after stopping my HIV drugs, my HIV virus was no longer undetectable as it had been five years. It was once again bombarding my system with great effect. And my CD4 count and viral load numbers reflected that. The first was very low and the second was very high. It really sucked. Fucking virus.
Mother fucker.
My fabulous ARV drug holiday bubble was suddenly burst and I was once again drenched in fear.
Although I'm ok with all of my HIV therapy decisions, I knew it was time that I start them again. When you are told that your virus is again detectable, your life is jolted back into your HIV reality. Your entire world shifts once again, and action MUST be taken immediately. You just feel it. You want to live.
My fabulous ARV drug holiday bubble was suddenly burst and I was once again drenched in fear.
Although I'm ok with all of my HIV therapy decisions, I knew it was time that I start them again. When you are told that your virus is again detectable, your life is jolted back into your HIV reality. Your entire world shifts once again, and action MUST be taken immediately. You just feel it. You want to live.
For a long time.
And when the day comes and you are told that your virus is undetectable, you want to keep it that way.
And when the day comes and you are told that your virus is undetectable, you want to keep it that way.
For a long time.
And so I took action and now I'm back on my new ARV therapy. And once again after some time, my HIV is undetectable. It took eight months for my numbers to get back to normal. Now I have a solid set of results I can hopefully take forward with me for another five or so years.
I’ve recently had my eyes thoroughly checked by my ophthalmologist and the results came back with perfect 20/20 vision with no signs of trouble. I’ve also had my hearing checked, my teeth cleaned again (4X a year).
And so I took action and now I'm back on my new ARV therapy. And once again after some time, my HIV is undetectable. It took eight months for my numbers to get back to normal. Now I have a solid set of results I can hopefully take forward with me for another five or so years.
I’ve recently had my eyes thoroughly checked by my ophthalmologist and the results came back with perfect 20/20 vision with no signs of trouble. I’ve also had my hearing checked, my teeth cleaned again (4X a year).
I somehow managed to stop biting my fingernails which was a life long habit. I NEVER thought I would ever stop biting my nails. But I did. It truly is amazing. One of the biggest achievements of my life and only a chronic nail biter would relate to the pain and suffering involved when one tries to stop such a habit.
************************
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The drugs will keep us alive.
But don’t forget they only work if we take them.
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