20 April 2008

Exposing My Insides

I am surprised at just how much energy I have at the moment.
Because my mood is dark today. Like the weather outside.
Hence the up coming movie trailer clip..
This blog is a reflection of me.
My readers know when I am happy.
Or angry.
Or desperate.
Sad even.

Its has been a roller coaster of emotions this week, for many I imagine.
Apart from the blog itself, I have been doing more media.
New media.
Different media.
Things are changing.
They don't want to know so much about my battle with my ex business partner/lover.
People know what happened there.
I have proven my claims against him.
Pay UP!

People want to know more about me now.
Brian Shane Gorrell.
The nitty gritty.
And this scares me to death.
It would scare anyone.
Because I am TOO honest sometimes about my life and my past.
I am not ashamed of any of my days.
Proud in fact, about every day I've lived.

I can't seem to edit as I speak though.
I have never been able to.
It gets me into trouble at times.
Honesty freaks some people out.
People may not understand me.
Its all so honest and raw.
I'm not afraid of telling people things.
Things that most others would NEVER talk about.

I am a very emotional guy.
I tell it how it is.
I'm crude at times and caustic as well.
But not always.
Mostly I AM happy.
I have always been this way.
Back and forth.
To and fro.
A fine balance in fact.
I get if from both my mum and my dad.
We are all emotional people.
And throughout my life, this quality has served me very well indeed.
I love a tear.
And a belly laugh.
Until it hurts.

I am a NOBODY.

Believe me.

Trust me.

I am just as normal as any one of my readers.
Vanilla in fact.
My haters would be shocked.
TEAM BRIAN would not be.
They know who I am already.
They feel me through my blog.
They get it.
Thank G-d!

But I have had a very textured life.
Chunky and smooth.
Like many people do.
And I do have things to say it seems.
Because I have no problem talking about my life.
To strangers.
Complete strangers.
My life has NOT been boring. That's for sure.

Some of the upcoming interviews pertaining to this blog will contain very personal information.
About me.
Things I have never spoken about before.
And I may never speak of them again.
It all depends on the reception my truth gets in the press.
I'm a little nervous.

I am trembling as I write this, because some of it is VERY personal.
I am terrified that people are going to be shocked.
I feel extremely exposed at the moment.
I know its coming out and my chest is hurting.
Terrified that I told too much about myself.
But I want to be real.
I need to be real.
I want my readers to understand who I am.
Why I am doing this.
The patterns of my life.
Why they are there.
Why I was so silly as a grown man.
To love so much.
With such little security in return.

Its brutal and honest.
I'm scared, I was too honest.
I feel as though I am hiding here on the farm.
I know what's coming up.
But its done now.
So now I will just have to bunker down until it hits.
And work on the blog.

Its pouring with rain here.
Just bucketing down.
Very gloomy and wet.
Perfect for me today.
I have lit some candles.
The dogs are snoring.
And I am about to chant for an hour.
I need to relax. I am stressed out.
A hot shower is needed.

I'm not quite sure why people want to know more about me, at this point.
I have already said so much on the blog. I mean, really.
But apparently, its not enough.
"They want to know more about you", I have been told over and over.
I have to keep my blog going for as long as it takes to get my money back from DJ.
I love the blog. I really do.
So I will continue to do media for as long as people are interested in my plight.
And I will give them what they want.
I'm protected.
In myself.

At Bethel Park.

I'm pretty much out there now.
I am loved by many.
I am hated by many more.
Adored by some
Despised by some for sure
Everyone has an opinion about me and the blog.
I would love to have a rum/coke with each one.
Especially my haters.
I bet you after five minutes, we would be great friends.
Because people don't hate me in real life.
It just doesn't happen.
Sorry haters.
I'm a nice guy.
So just stop hating me. Your wasting your time.
It just makes me want to like you more.
Buy you some Andok's.
Its called empathy.
For your half brain.
You Montano loving twits.

The perfect blend for a blog I reckon.
My readers are responsible for that.
Even the nasty ones.

If everyone liked me, the blog would be a sad place indeed.
Being hated by so many people has its perks.
You really get to see what is out there walking the earth.
Angels and devils.
And you know which one you are, as you read this.

So hate me.
So love me.
Either way,
I sleep like a baby at night.

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